A Little Self-Discovery

I realized this morning while running around the baseball field watching the sunrise over the field of newly planted plantain trees, that living here in Nicaragua for the past four months has taught me a lot about myself.

During my first three months of training, I didn't feel like I was being asked to accomplish anything completely unheard of. Sure I was told I had to:

- live with a Nicaraguan family who speaks only Spanish

- learn to wash my clothes by hand

- cross the dirt backyard to use the outdoor shower and latrine

- eat rice and beans at least twice a day (usually 3 times)

- give three science classes completely in Spanish

- build a garden from scratch

- start a youth group with kids that only speak Spanish

- start an organic compost with people's food scraps and poop from the local cows

- survey 20 people in my community and report on it in Spanish (are we sensing a theme here?)

- and of course LEARN SPANISH during my 6 hours of class each day.

For some reason though, this didn't seem very overwhelming at the time. I mean sure the language barrier was a challenge, to say the least, but I guess juggling classes/student teaching/work/social life during college made me good at multi-tasking and working under pressure. Looking back on training, I can see now that I really did accomplish a lot. It's kind of a big deal that I've succeeded in living completely immersed in a new culture, away from my friends and family and way outside of my comfort zone. This sense of accomplishment is not what I was dwelling on while running this morning however; on the contrary, it's what I have to remind myself of when I start to think that maybe I'm not cut out for this after all.

Being placed in my site has been challenging me way more than I ever would have imagined. Now that I'm out of the new comfort zone I created in my training town, I've had to start all over again. What have I learned during my time alone in site? I've learned that I'm the type of person that likes when things come easy. I believe that's called lazy? Yeah, I can hear you confirming that, mom. I've learned that I tend to be too proud to ask questions, and that this is an extremely detrimental characteristic to have when moving into any new community, let alone one in a new country where you're expected to play a leadership role. I've learned that I like it when people offer to help me so that I don't have to step out of my comfort zone and actually seek help. I've realized that even though I was brave enough to go through with my Peace Corps application, competent enough to make it through the interview/training process, and strong enough to get through training, that I'm still scared to death to introduce myself to new people! How is that possible?

One of my Nica friends here told me that “una gangsta timida no puede ser,” which basically means there's no such thing as a shy gangsta (yeah, a few people here equate my being from NY with me being gangsta – as they should. haha yes I can see you rolling your eyes...don't sleep on my swag.) I guess it's true though. I really have no idea why I'm having such a hard time with this. I even wrote up a survey to give to people, so I'd have a reason to knock on doors and introduce myself. How many surveys have I given? ZERO! ¡Que vergüenza! (What shame!/How embarrasing!)

Well, I guess it's time to change the flaws I've found in myself. This experience is about growth and I apparently need to put some effort into forcing that growth to occur. Tomorrow, I'm going to go out and give some surveys. I guess it's like ripping off a Bandaid? I just have to do it and get it over with. I should probably get started on my garden too, huh? Here's to shaking off the pereza (laziness) that's come from wanting to avoid awkward situations. Time to make moves.

*Between writing and posting this blog I actually did start my garden with 2 of the boys from my English class.! Woohoo!!*